It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
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getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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