This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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