You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
