Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
