I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize