i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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