chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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