Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
