ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
