You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
