I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
