if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
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What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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