I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
