I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
