it's too hot outside to masturbate.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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