Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
