I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
