I faked an abortion last night.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
