Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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