Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
