I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
