On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
