I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
