We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
