Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
