he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
