Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
