dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
