there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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