i just google imaged poop.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
