Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
