so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
