I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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