I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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