This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
