Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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