Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
