3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
