I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
