i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
