Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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