i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
