Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
