Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
