life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
wow bdsm is so cute
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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