hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Please don't give away my fajitas
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
