Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I will die if light touches me.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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