I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
