when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
God, I missed his penis.
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