Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
