apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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