my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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