Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
