I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
