The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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