It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
