Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize