i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
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I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
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I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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