were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
