I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
