dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
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So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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