Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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