did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I cut my penus on the lid.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
