I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
